No Breakdowns

05Jun08

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I’m sitting at the table across from him. A sincere smile playfully testing my lips. I might not be ecstatic. Far from it. But I feel somewhat satisfied.

He’s talking about a book. How it changed him. He’s talking about how we allow mere written words to transform us. I think that’s what we both have in common. We let books work their magic on us to the fullest extent. Everything and anything. Then, we find pleasure in the aftermath of the ideologies tested by the book. We find leisure in picking what we like and storing it in our minds forever. Bringing it up at every discussion.

He has just sucked out all the anger. All the negative vibes. I dissect a California Roll. Playing with food is an expertise, now. I can’t seem to get myself to eat when experiencing unfamiliar feelings. I tell him to be quiet. A moment of silence to set things straight in my mind. Just a moment. I close my eyes.

I open them. Yes, so he was saying? He takes out a few papers. He knows I just cleared my head. I slip it out of his fingers. He winks. I smile at him, “What is it?” He tells me to read. “Don’t tell me what to do,” I tease.

I read. Tears stroll slowly down my cheeks. It’s all true. How very observant. He expresses everything on my behalf in those papers. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. How does he know it? I haven’t told him what I’ve been through these last few months. An emotional revolution. Something unpredictable.

I put the paper in my bag. I deny crying and order tea. I eat. He smiles. “What?” He shrugs. I start telling him about Cinncinatus C. That man. I smirk. That Nabokov. I wonder. That ending. I blink. He sits there observing it. All of it. Is he saving it for the next letter?

“Life isn’t fair. We all get a share of good and bad, honey. It’s not the end of the world. I have no idea what you’ve been through. I know it’s intense because I’ve never seen you like this. I know I can’t help. Just relax. It’s over, isn’t it? You’ve dealt with it thoroughly. I can tell. Push everything aside and know yourself. Celebrate who you are. Enjoy it. Enjoy your life. It’ll be back on track in no time. You’ll be way better off than the old you.”

He reaches out for my hands. He didn’t have to say that. I’m already beginning to feel happy. Disappointments aren’t so significant anymore. Just a daily pinch of salt. No worries. Fried ice cream?

We walk out. A comfortable silence ensues. Music. All smiles. Both content. One of us partially content, the other fully. And an aftermath that’s got nothing to do with books..

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