These past two months have been exhausting. I am done writing a paper on G.B. Shaw’s “Life Force”, but I can’t stop thinking about that theory. I always believed that I should start with myself when it comes to making the world a better place, but now, it seems like I don’t even know who I am. My individuality has been shaken. It has eroded gradually these past two months or so.

Our professor sang these lines from a Michael Jackson song a couple of mornings ago:

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place

For the rest of the day, these words ring in my ear. I have thought over and over again, how can I start with myself when I don’t know who I am any more? Is what I’m going through an identity crisis? Or is it mere confusion?

I keep looking at myself. I’m still me, but I’m a shaken version of me. My personality is the same. I think. But my beliefs and morals are all chaotic and contradictory. I’m angry at the world. Really. I’m angry at the life that I once loved so dearly. I’m angry at the loved ones that didn’t raise me to be strong enough to handle what is being thrown my way. I’m angry at them for letting me venture out into the world a tabula rasa.

Yes, I’m angry at you. I can’t even look you in the eye for the fear of being disappointed in your ways. All of you. If you wanted me to become something so bad, why didn’t you raise me so that I become it instead of set me free to believe and become what I want to? And after doing that, why are you disappointed with who I’ve become? You’re nonsensical, and it hurts.

I won’t apologize for being myself around you. I’m not going to try and fix what has already broken because it can’t be repaired. I’m going to make sure I develop myself and set everything straight to be happy like I always have been.

You can stop envisioning my life. I already have it planned. I might not turn into the lady you’ve always wanted me to be. I might not be able to act like I’ve spent my life in charm school. I might not marry the “perfect” guy you’re looking for. I might not end up anything like you. But will that disappoint you? Will it hurt that I haven’t taken your “ideal” version of my life into consideration? It shouldn’t. I hope you guys realize that some time soon. Because even if I wanted to, I can’t find it in myself to disobey you.

Oh, and since I know that by now, you’ve all realized who you are, I want you to back off until my life is back on track. And I love you. I don’t care how far-fetched it seems right now. I really do love you.

20 Responses to “Pygmalion”

  1. 1 haj

    i dont get who ur talking about 😦 … i usually do, but this time i dont!

  2. 2 Amethyst

    You don’t have to. You don’t even have to try;*

  3. 3 Bulletii

    me too madri meno. i wish i can help out. bs 7adah it’s personal. inshallah you’ll heal.

  4. 4 Amethyst

    Thank you:)

  5. 5 The Archer

    1. *hug*

    2. Don’t worry Ametheyst. It’ll happen. Everything will turn out okay in the end inshallah. Have faith.

    3. A person like you ha tons and tons of very good friends. When you have these feelings, pour them out to those who are closest to you. Yes, Haj, I’m talking about you :p

    4. You’re one of the strogest people I know. And I look up to you in many ways. You inspire. You give out a sense of warmth and comfort.

    5. Chocolate Cheesecake from Lorenzo almost always does the trick. That’s IF you don’t mind gaining a few :p~

    6. *hug*

  6. 6 Amethyst

    The Archer
    1. *Hug*

    2. I have faith. I’m just uncomfortable with the unfamiliarity of it all. I’m not used to sitting and watching.

    3. Sometimes, they are indescribable because they are too unfamiliar.

    4. Thank you. By now, I feel like crying;p

    5. I do mind.

    6. *Hug*

    Thanks, really:)

  7. 7 ..::Amu::..

    I will just give u a blogsphere *hug* 🙂

  8. 8 Amethyst



  9. 9 Ahmed©

    why dont you get a new SOMEONE? its not that hard, the world is filled with intresting people, its not worth it to turn yourself into a drama queen. u have better options, always.

  10. 10 Amethyst


    I’ve been single since I was born. I’m picky.

  11. 11 F.

    I don’t think you’re having an identity crisis…I just think you’re growing up.
    *I know this might seem weird coming from me…I certainly find it disturbing*
    But whether we like it or not, we are going to grow up, and we will be faced with things that will change us everyday…it is confusing at times, at others very tough to come to terms with…but in the end, it’s inevitable. And you cannot blame anyone for it. No one can prepare us for the obstacle that is life…and if you look close enough, you’ll find that that’s part of the beauty of it…

  12. 12 Amethyst

    Wow. From the person who is my partner in having Peter Pan Syndrome;p

    Growing up is definitely part of this;\

    I still can’t stop wondering why we have to grow up. We can stay our age and do our duty on this land. 7allaa;\


  13. 13 Silver

    more power to you girl;)

  14. 14 Amethyst


  15. 15 Cat

    * hug *

  16. 16 eshda3wa

    ull find ur footing soon enough

    its ok to loose track of who u r or where u want to go.. but have faith that ull always find ur way again

  17. 17 Moniker

    i can relate on SO many levels 😐
    it’s kind of scary!

  18. 18 Aj

    i know who you are talking about.. you cannot change them. I hope they will understand that you are different than what they want.
    sorry it took my a while to reply, i don’t have time for reading anything lol. sorry again.

  19. 19 haj

    I absolutly LOVE the new design!!!!!

  20. 20 Amethyst


    I know I will, and it’ll happen soon:)

    Lol! Yalla, it’s for the both of us;D


    I know I can’t change them. At least I understand that. They don’t. They’re trying to change me. It’s too late for change;\

    It’s okay. I know.

    I know! It’s so me;D

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